The Four Steps of Individuation - Self-Realization Demands Much More Than Meditation!
Psychological work, de-armouring and courageous integration are essential aspects of our spiritual journey.
Ghassan Salman Faidi: Contemplation. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International, 3.0 Unported, 2.5 Generic, 2.0 Generic and 1.0 Generic license.
Self-realization is a lifelong and complex quest that can take many different expressions. On our path of shedding our persona and return to the profundity of just… being US, most of us test out a variety of appraches: meditation, breath work, group work, therapy, tantric work, yoga, etc… Based on my own individuation process, I’ve recognized four aspects I believe HAS to be involved in an effective individuation quest:
I. Meditation – the classical spiritual path
Yoshitoshi (1839 -1892): The moon through a crumbling window. In public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
As many others, I started my individuation journey as a path of meditation. For several years, I spent months in silent meditations retreats. I loved it, but over the years, I grew frustrated. Cause as I returned back home; it seemed almost impossible to sort out how to be myself through my meetings with my world. Although I could stay with the essence of myself in the supportive environment of my meditation retreats, I flipped out of integrity the moment I went back out in the world.
I still believe silent sitting is the most effective method to awaken and hone the connection with our Essential Self. But being US in the world takes something entirely different than being ourselves in a supportive setting. If we are to live our life with the world – and not in retreat from it – we will need to work out how to be ourselves in non-supportive environments too!
The moment I realized that silent sitting could not be my only approach to self-realization, was the moment I actually began my individuation quest. Because now, I was ready to do the work it actually TOOK to be myself, even though that was far less comfortable than just sitting silently in meditation. Her are the other steps I discovered:
II. Personal awareness work (maturation or psychotherapeutic work)
In a way, self-realization is very much about finding back to something that was lost to us. Cause as babies, we of course came into the world as OURSELVES! Why did we stop being us?
No matter how supportive our childhood environment was, our societies are bound to have given us resistance in simply being… ourselves. And as children, since we didn’t know any better, we assumed that this resistance was correct, and there was A REASON why we shouldn’t be ourselves.
If we find ourselves flipping out of integrity again and again in the meeting with our world, chances are that we have integrated some misunderstandings of who we had to be, to be worthy citizens of our world. And bringing awareness to those moments in our history where we stopped believing that being us was the only thing to do - can be really helpful.
Through classic psychotherapeutic detective work, we investigate the dynamics that kept us from being true to ourselves in the first place. Being aware of compromises we took on as children, can help us catch WHY we flip out of integrity in present time – and enable us to upgrade our choices.
III. Feelings and de-armouring work:
When we have lived for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years out of integrity with ourselves, our choices have made imprints in our bodies and psyche.
Personally, I realized at a point that part of the reason why I had troubles being myself with my world, was that I carried imprints in my body and energy field that in no way favored me being myself. It was as if my body and feeling self was so habitually used to being someone else than ME, that being me was… a fight.
The uncomfortable experience of carrying a physical-psychological armor obstructing me from being myself, was my inclination for approaching body-oriented psychotherapy, and then the tantric field.
Through my tantric deepening, I started voicing my pain of not being true to myself. I let go of that flood of tears carrying the grief of not being me. I also started venting my rage of my world not supporting us to live an integrous life. As I allowed all the feelings connected to my self-betrayal to rise to the surface, my armor began softening. I felt a huge relief. My energy returned, and I could feel life pulsing inside me again.
Feeling and de-armoring work is a continuous process. The initial release can make a huge difference, and if we build on that release by continuing to express ourselves, we´ll not only prevent new layers of armor to take hold of us – but also increase the flow of life force in our bodies. I believe this kind work is the very key to vitality, a stable psyche and good physical health.
Jean Benner (1836–1906): Ecstasy. In public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
(I'm preparing to offer local feeling and de-armouring groups in my city (Tønsberg) through Tunsberg Tantra this spring. If this is something you are interested in – please let me know!)
IV. Crafting my everyday life (integrating my lessons in the world):
My aim of going down the lane of self-realization, has been to experience life as fully as possible. I wanted this trip here on earth to be an expression of my highest choices. I yearned to devote myself to a meaningful, enjoyable service; to have nurturing, equally-supportive relationships; and to feel happy, content, creative – and free!
Meditation, psychotherapeutic work, or even de-armoring work, doesn’t necessarily result in a well-functioning life. To craft a daily life that feels meaningful and supportive of our Essential Self is a task in itself. And it can be a challenging one!
In this most challenging aspect of our individuation work, there is no teacher. Nobody can tell us how to build our life so it works for us. WE are the only ones who know.
Our ability to build a well-functioning everyday life becomes an acid test: this is where we discover if our commitment to ourselves is real or not, and if we can use the support we’ve received to our benefit.
As we explore how to surrender to ourselves in day-to-day life, new layers of personal challenges will rise to the surface, and force us to have a deeper look at ourselves. We will fall and fail, and we will try again. We might feel we need more support, contemplate retreating to a mountain top forever, or consider just giving up this whole quest of being ourselves.
And in the end, it’s our patience, our self-love and our commitment to ourselves, that decide if we continue walking towards ourselves - or retreat into forgetfulness.
“Meetings with Remarkable Men” (directed by Peter Brook)- Movie excerpt.
