Shadow Work And Women’s Dynamics
How shadow work can help reveal subtle and unhealthy relationships dynamics – and assist us in stepping into more supportive relationships
Me and a light and my living room. Photo by me.
Shadow work - the key to healthy relationships?
In 2017, prompted by a desire to upgrade my relationship abilities, I entered a very confrontative tantric environment. The teachers of this environment had a reputation of letting someone know the moment they acted out a problematic relationship pattern, and I came to them because I was desperate: I needed help to bring my shadows and unconscious relationship patterns into the light – and up for revision.
I spent 3 years in this environment, often having my shadow sides and unconscious behavior patterns called out on a daily basis. This was tough (sometimes terrible) work. It was painful, uncomfortable and sometimes humiliating … and it was exactly what I needed. Finally, I got the help I needed to pinpoint WHY I was having troubles in my relationships.
What I learnt through my years in this environment, shifted my life entirely around. From feeling powerless, victimized, and terribly insecure about relating abilities, claiming my shadows and unconscious relating patterns eventually helped me reclaim my place as director of my own life. As I see it today, this work has become the fundament of my ability to build a happy, empowered and creative life for myself.
In this essay I'm gonna share with you WHY I think our shadow work is so essential to take on, and why I think it’s the key to relate to one another harmoniously as women.
Recognizing competitiveness in others, but not in myself?
I sometimes sit with a woman talking about competitive women’s dynamics, and she nods in totally agreement of all I say – except that she in NO WAY can recognize these things in herself. But, if all of the women I talk to can recognize competitiveness in the collective field, but none of them can recognize it in themselves, isn’t that a bit… odd?
The problem with not recognizing shadows (as competitiveness) in ourselves; is that it’s within OURSELVES we can start making changes! It doesn’t really help us seeing these dynamics at play in others - unless we also can recognize them in ourselves. This is why shadow work is so important.
Personally, Ive been competitive as far as I can remember. I think its a mix of personality and relational insecurity. Meaning: if I feel unsafe: the competitiveness becomes stronger. Earlier in my life, this shadow side used to get me in all kind of troubles, But, these days that happens much less. Why? Because Im owning it! By owning my competitiveness as (not the most flattering) part of me, there is much higher chance that Ill recognize it when it arises. If I can recognize it, thats a window to snap out of it. I can remind myself that I dont WANT to compete, and that its just a bad habit Im working to let go of.
As I keep my competitiveness within MY sight, other women don’t have to discover it FOR me. That's the thing with women and relationship dynamics. Most women are highly sensitive to one another. If one woman plays out a shadow pattern that she doesn’t see herself, one can be sure another woman sees it instead! Because of this, our lives tend to get so much simpler and more harmonious when we begin claiming our own unhealthy relationship dynamics and shadows.
My experience is that few women recognize (for example) competitive dynamics in themselves, unless they are confronted directly with it in a situation where they actually play their competitiveness out. This is the power of group shadow work: Our ego doesn’t get the chance to lie to itself when we are caught in the act of it.
Shadow work in women’s groups is a lot about diving into the collective depths, and naming an elephant for an elephant when he comes by. Shadow works in women’s groups is about taking our masks off, and daring to be radically honest with ourselves and each other. It's about feeling everything, acknowledging our human complexity and our primal forces - and owning our subconscious agendas.
In my experience, the moment we as women start speaking with each other about the invisible dynamics happening between us, we can upgrade and adjust. By talking load about shadows which are anyway dancing around in the room, we learn 2 very important things:
Our shadows are NOT invisible
And they are far less dangerous than we think they are
Actually, shadow naming can be pretty thrilling work, if we can make some fun about it!
Why I'm passionate about women’s shadow work: Bringing those shadows and subtle relationship dynamics into light – to upgrade them
After years of studying the subtle dynamics going on in women’s groups, courageous shadow work is as I see it the key to come into harmonious relationships with each other as women. By talking about all those invisible things that happen between us (basically: by lifting the invisible up to become visible) we train ourselves in recognizing and naming potentially unhealthy relationship dynamics going on, both within and around us.
When we start talking about what actually happens in our relations to one another (and acknowledge these dynamics in ourselves), we open up the opportunity to explore these often-painful dynamics - and to upgrade them!
When I dare to acknowledge MY subtle ways of competing and my hidden insecurities, I open up for YOU to do so too. In other words: A woman who is brave enough to OWN the challenging dynamics arising between her and other women, and know how to name them, pave the way for everybody around her to acknowledge these dynamics too.
I'm straight around the corner of launching Ida Eira, where one of my key aims is to create arenas where we can talk out load with each other about what's actually going on. With Ida Eira, I hope to support and inspire women around me to dare to own the deepest forces of our human complexity, and to realize how much power that owning gives us!
