Introducing: The Tantric Ego
You’ve probably heard about the spiritual ego. But do you know the tantric version?
Photo by Nicole Geri on Unsplash
There’s a lot of ego at play in the spiritual environment. And the tantric field – as a spiritual sub-culture if you like – isn’t any different. But the ego expression in the tantric field has its own flavor. I call it: The Tantric Ego
Welcome to Angsbacka Tantra Camp (Help!)
The tantric ego revealed itself to me last summer, during a week at Ängsbacka Tantra Festival in Sweden. I had come to the festival hoping to find some like-minded people in my Scandinavian community. But I ended up just feeling utterly… lost.
Already as I set up camp, something felt off at the festival. Around me, there seemed to be an endless parade of egos – people with very invasive needs to be seen. There was something aggressive in the air, a sense of trying to be the coolest guy or girl around, not very different to how I remember… high school.
Just that here, most people were 30+. Quite a few were even 50+.
The vibe felt strange, and I spent the first day confused. What on earth was going on?
As the days went by though, I started to see the picture. And I coined this new-to-me behavior: The Tantric Ego.
Presenting: The Tantric Ego and the game of tantric play-pretense
Most of us are familiar with the spiritual ego, but the tantric ego has a particular flavor. It has more of an attention seeking, performative vibe about it. Tantric egos are concerned with being sexy, chilled, up-for-all-that-is-fun, attractive, and of course: very creative.
As with all egos, tantric egos are competitive. They’re eager to position themselves as the most attractive, juicy person in the space. (Or even better: to conquer the most attractive, juicy person in the space.) The tantric ego wants to show the world how sexy and liberated they are – and they want everyone to see it. Energetically, it’s like they walk around shouting to everyone: “Hey, look at me, I'm just so high frequent, so free! Can you see how great I am?
That’s pretty exhausting to be around.
At Ängsbacka tantra festival, all those tantric egos gathered in one space created an ... exhibitionistic vibe. It was too-much showing off of sexuality. Unnaturally quickly, bold dancing and toplessness started popping up everywhere across the area. As I saw it, that boldness didn’t have much to do with pleasure. It just happened because we were at a «Tantra Festival». People took of their tops - cause that’s what they thought should happen at a tantra festival.
And: Here’s the main problem with the tantric ego. Cause while tantric egos pride themselves with being liberated and free, the sexual relaxedness and pleasure-party is just a game! If you poke into it, something feels totally OFF. The sexual openness isn’t properly integrated yet. Basically: the sexually relaxed and liberated vibe… is fake.
The tantric ego is just putting on a tantra-show.
From sexy-show to integration
For some of us, the tantric ego is an unavoidable short-stop on our path to reclaim our sensual self. In order to shake ourselves out of a lifetime of suppressed sexuality, we might need to allow ourselves to go play-pretense and crazy-bold for a while. By living out our suppressed sexual exhibitionist in protected spaces – we get an opportunity to break through our shame and pleasure anxiety once and for all.
That said, I think it’s essential for the tantric environment to be familiar with the tantric ego, and keep in mind that it’s a short-stop – not our end goal!
Cause, just as any other ego, the tantric ego is a mask. It's a cover up - a way of trying to be different than ourselves. Underneath our Tantric-Ego-I'm-Delicious-Show, there’s almost always: a well of shame. We’re desperately trying to make the world approve of our sexuality. But we haven’t approved of it ourselves yet. And eventually, it’s not the world who must give the approval: it’s ourselves.
In the end, doing the sexy-show and putting our sexuality in forefront of everything, isn’t the solution to a healthy sexuality. Our healthy sexuality lies in giving up the ego-show, and finding a way to silently embrace our sensuality and joy of being in our own bodies - simply for OUR OWN pleasure of doing so!
In the tantric environment, we need to allow each other to go through the tantric ego phase. But; we also need to remind each other that at one point, we must allow the freedom-crazyness to calm down - and move on from the play-pretense game.
And at that point (as we become a bit less loud and bold and allow our sexuality to step back into the background): We might discover we weren’t fully as sexually liberated as we thought we were… afterall.
That’s okay! Cause it’s here - beyond the tantric ego-games - our real sexual healing work begins. Now, without making a big fuss about it, we start INTEGRATING our sexuality. We find ways to feel open and juicy within everyday life: while we work, eat, spend time with others… We work on keeping a good vibe inside, and find ways to reopen our flow of life force energy when it freezes up. We’ve got no need to showcase our tantric exploration anymore, and nobody needs to know we are “tantra people”. Now: our pleasure quest is only for: US.
Our sexuality matures – and becomes just a natural part of who we are.
Because the heart needs more than fun and games
To be fair, as the week went by at Ängsbacka and I looked closer, I realized there weren’t only tantric egos at the festival. It’s just that in their invasive needs to be seen, these people became very visible in the space. And that felt… sad.
But, the truly valuable thing I took with me from my week at Ängsbacka (and from recognizing the tantric ego) was the realization that something within ME had moved. I've been in the tantric environment since 2017, and to be sure: I've played out the tantric ego too. But as I came to Ängsbacka last summer, something had clearly changed. I had moved beyond that first phase of being all crazy because I'd finally allowed myself to embrace my sexuality. I simply wasn’t much interested in all the pleasure fun and games anymore. And most definitely, I felt done with the primal sex-craziness that exist in the tantric environment. It just… bore me.
These days, I'm much more interested in exploring the core of tantra - which I perceive to be: INTIMACY.
For intimacy to exist; the heart has to be involved. And our hearts… need something totally different than exhibitionistic games. Our hearts need subtleness. Sensitivity. Contained spaces. Communication. And first and foremost, a sense of safety!
In many tantric environments it’s like they’ve forgot all about the heart – and about the art of true intimacy. Rather than facilitating a space where the heart can open up, the program is filled with sex games, polyamorous explorations, massage courses, kink, ropes, dance parties.
Fun and games, for sure. But could it really be called tantra?
I say no. These kind of festivals – Ängsbacka included - are sex and pleasure festivals. Apart from in the organizers heads, they’ve got little to do with tantra as a spiritual art - and even less to do … with the heart.
So this year, I didn’t go to no tantra festival. Instead, I stayed at home, drinking tea.
Me drinking tea, captured by Ida Maria Kjeldsen
